Waking Up With A Broken Heart

Last Night I Did Not Have A Dream……. December 27, 2012

Last night I did not have a dream…..

It was real…..

I was laying in bed, as usual in the middle of the night, playing Words With Friends………..

Steven was asleep…..

I looked up and my entire room was foggy…………….I mean completely filled with fog. My first thought was OMG, my house is on fire. But it did not smell like smoke. I got up and turned on all the lights and the “fog” was still there, My bedroom is completely surrounded by huge windows and there was no fog outside, I opened my bedroom door and went downstairs, no smoke or “fog” anywhere and no smell of fire. I came back upstairs, my room was still “foggy” I turned my lights back off and said “Sal, you are here aren’t you.??……………, no reply.   But,  I did not need one. I just knew at that moment that it was him.  I didn’t think to take a picture, I didn’t think to wake up Steven………… I just knew………. I was enveloped in his presence.

Many will think I am crazy, but those who believe will understand.  The past few weeks have been so overpoweringly difficult for me. Each breath has been an overwhelming struggle. The times that I have smiled or laughed have later been overshadowed by guilt . How can I be evenly remotely happy for a split second without my baby here? It’s not right, it’s not fair………. How can I smile or laugh when he cannot?  It’s excruciatingly difficult to live life like this.

Stevie, my oldest baby turned 21 this week. We had a party to celebrate.   I am so very proud of who he has become. I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to sing and tell the world……….. then again, I thought how unfair that Sal is not here to celebrate his brothers birthday…….how unfair that he, himself, will never celebrate, not only 21, but every other milestone in his life. How can I be happy? How can I celebrate?   But then again, how can I not…… for Stevie??????????  Birthdays are so important, especially in our family.  Sal celebrated over 90 birthdays in his short life……

EVERY day was worthy of a celebration and we all knew that……………..

Such turmoil……………such pain, not just emotional but so very physical.  How does one go on living you ask, after your child was viciously  taken from you???? Honestly, I have yet to figure that out.   You take it day by day, moment by moment, second by second.  You sleep some days away, you spend time with friends who understand, you cry 90% of the day, you smile, you ache, you laugh, you smile again, you look for answers that you know you will never get. You do whatever you have to do to get through each day, praying the days will be short and the years will swiftly go by, all the while feeling guilty for any ounce of happiness you are actually able to feel.

I have never believed in ”mediums”……but….…… A cousin told me not too long ago that Sal came to her and amongst other things, said to her the phrase “socks in the drawer” she didn’t know what that meant and I told her I have Sal’s socks and all his other belongings in my drawers and everywhere else he left them. All his stuff remains untouched, so it really didn’t mean much to me.  A few days later I was looking for a frame to put one of his pictures. I opened one of my special “drawers”, and his favorite blue socks were on top (I didn’t remember them being there), right underneath was the frame I had been looking for.  I almost, literally, fainted when I unwrapped the frame and it said “ Wish you were here” ……………  You see, since the very day Sal died , every single night…………… I say (out loud because I’m not sure if he can read my mind) ………….”I love you Papo, I miss you, I Wish You Were Here”    EVERY single night for the last 21 months, before I close my eyes, that’s what I say.

Life is so very unfair……………….  I don’t know when the time will come where I feel no guilt with a smile, where I feel no remorse for laughing. I know that my baby would want me to be happy, as he always was, but it is so very difficult to achieve any type of true contentment.

Maybe some day I will understand……………