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Last Night I Did Not Have A Dream……. December 27, 2012

Posted by Waking Up With A Broken Heart in Dreams, Love & Grief, National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Last night I did not have a dream…..

It was real…..

I was laying in bed, as usual in the middle of the night, playing Words With Friends………..

Steven was asleep…..

I looked up and my entire room was foggy…………….I mean completely filled with fog. My first thought was OMG, my house is on fire. But it did not smell like smoke. I got up and turned on all the lights and the “fog” was still there, My bedroom is completely surrounded by huge windows and there was no fog outside, I opened my bedroom door and went downstairs, no smoke or “fog” anywhere and no smell of fire. I came back upstairs, my room was still “foggy” I turned my lights back off and said “Sal, you are here aren’t you.??……………, no reply.   But,  I did not need one. I just knew at that moment that it was him.  I didn’t think to take a picture, I didn’t think to wake up Steven………… I just knew………. I was enveloped in his presence.

Many will think I am crazy, but those who believe will understand.  The past few weeks have been so overpoweringly difficult for me. Each breath has been an overwhelming struggle. The times that I have smiled or laughed have later been overshadowed by guilt . How can I be evenly remotely happy for a split second without my baby here? It’s not right, it’s not fair………. How can I smile or laugh when he cannot?  It’s excruciatingly difficult to live life like this.

Stevie, my oldest baby turned 21 this week. We had a party to celebrate.   I am so very proud of who he has become. I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to sing and tell the world……….. then again, I thought how unfair that Sal is not here to celebrate his brothers birthday…….how unfair that he, himself, will never celebrate, not only 21, but every other milestone in his life. How can I be happy? How can I celebrate?   But then again, how can I not…… for Stevie??????????  Birthdays are so important, especially in our family.  Sal celebrated over 90 birthdays in his short life……

EVERY day was worthy of a celebration and we all knew that……………..

Such turmoil……………such pain, not just emotional but so very physical.  How does one go on living you ask, after your child was viciously  taken from you???? Honestly, I have yet to figure that out.   You take it day by day, moment by moment, second by second.  You sleep some days away, you spend time with friends who understand, you cry 90% of the day, you smile, you ache, you laugh, you smile again, you look for answers that you know you will never get. You do whatever you have to do to get through each day, praying the days will be short and the years will swiftly go by, all the while feeling guilty for any ounce of happiness you are actually able to feel.

I have never believed in ”mediums”……but….…… A cousin told me not too long ago that Sal came to her and amongst other things, said to her the phrase “socks in the drawer” she didn’t know what that meant and I told her I have Sal’s socks and all his other belongings in my drawers and everywhere else he left them. All his stuff remains untouched, so it really didn’t mean much to me.  A few days later I was looking for a frame to put one of his pictures. I opened one of my special “drawers”, and his favorite blue socks were on top (I didn’t remember them being there), right underneath was the frame I had been looking for.  I almost, literally, fainted when I unwrapped the frame and it said “ Wish you were here” ……………  You see, since the very day Sal died , every single night…………… I say (out loud because I’m not sure if he can read my mind) ………….”I love you Papo, I miss you, I Wish You Were Here”    EVERY single night for the last 21 months, before I close my eyes, that’s what I say.

Life is so very unfair……………….  I don’t know when the time will come where I feel no guilt with a smile, where I feel no remorse for laughing. I know that my baby would want me to be happy, as he always was, but it is so very difficult to achieve any type of true contentment.

Maybe some day I will understand……………




1. carrie - December 28, 2012

You are right you weren’t dreaming!
I unfortunately experienced that horrible sense of loss, overwhelming sense of grieve and consuming sadness at a very young age with the loss of my first child “due to human Error”. Think about trying to reason with that at the age of 22! With a life time of dreams and expectations taken away from you senselessly.
Your loss is unimaginable and by no means am I trying to minimize your hurt but at least when Faith kicks in(regardless of what you believe in), you put your trust in the All Mighty. You try to reason with there is a purpose for things that happen in life for which we have no control over and you tell yourself that GOD has a plan for us such as….you beginning a foundation to help so so many other families affected with a childhood disease, raising funds for research, being unselfish and never wishing that any other mom feel the loss and sadness you now feel, such as appreciating the small moments and the little things in life which we all take for granted I could go on and on.
However, unfortunately at this moment I cannot take away your anguish(I wish I could) it’s been 28 years for me and I have not forgotten(and don’t expect I ever WILL) but I have learned to cope with it by making “Lemonade from Lemons” helping others cope with the pain of loss, by indulging and feeling guilt free happiness when my baby makes her presence known either by visiting me in my “DREAMS” or thru other means of visitation that only we as moms can experience 😉 Enjoy that because no else can for you it is a unique experience and ONLY YOU MOMMY can feel, see, and smell it.
Please wake up, soak it all in and try to feel blessed that you were able to if only for a split second feel that contentment. Only then… when you learn to feel like that can your baby really fly high and happy knowing that Mommy will be ok. He will feel that his mission has been completed here on earth and that some day he will be able to be with you in a very Happy place;-) GOD bless you…


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