Waking Up With A Broken Heart

An Eternal Struggle to Survive…………..

By

Seconds in the actual realm of my reality……

Next week, March 19th will make 2 years that you are gone….. that’s  24 months, 730 days, 17,520 hours, ….. no matter how you look at it, its a long time. An eternity really,   but,  just seconds in the actual realm of my reality. I hear your voice calling me from across the house……

“mooooooooommmmmmmmm”……. I look up, anxious, then realize it’s not really you.

I’m cooking dinner, I glance and see you sitting at the bar playing on your iPad…then you are suddenly gone…………….

I go to your room, I lay in your bed, I hug your Build-a-bears…….. I go in your closet, my fingers caress your shirts that hang so neatly, waiting to be worn……………

I look at your toys, your most prized possessions that Sergio guards for you…..but you will never return to play with them will you?????  What will happen to them when Sergio grows up?????????????

What will I do with your “stuff” ?????? I know I will keep it all………. but when will you be back???? When will you come play again??????? When will we cuddle in bed and watch midnight movies??????? When will we have midnight snacks at 4am???????

Can it really be that this will never happen again…….REALLY????????

That’s so hard to accept.

I walk past your pictures, kissing each one as I pass, my lipstick stains on every frame……………..it’s just not the right…….

I talk to you as I drive…………. punch buggy blue, yellow or white…………. did you see it?

“Mom, what did you say?”….. “Oh, nothing,…..I was talking to Sal”………………..

Do my kids think I’m crazy? Do they understand?

Will they remember their baby brother 10 or 20 years from now? Will they remember his laughter? His fighting spirit? How much he loved Club Penguin? His love of music? How much he loved Pitbull? How much he loved to dance? How he always wanted to go out to a Chinese buffet? Will they remember his favorite color was blue, or that he loved to watch Spongebob & iCarly? Will they remember he was the blue Power Ranger? Or that he was Captain America? Will they remember his 80 birthday celebrations? Will they remember his love of swimming and pina coladas in the pool? Will they remember his voice as he sang I am Blue………………..

What will they remember???????????

How do I keep them…………..or anyone……………… from forgetting……………

How do I get people to think of you every day? How do I get people to understand how devastating Childhood Cancer is?

How do I go on living without you?

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