Waking Up With A Broken Heart

Easter & God & Miracles March 30, 2013

Easter is a time to reflect & be thankful, right???

I believe in God…..

I believe Jesus is the son of God……..

I was baptized as a Catholic…….raised as a Christian.

I taught Sunday School…..

I went to church regularly…….

I grew up with the fear of God….

 I knew that if I did anything wrong, God would not like it…

So…..

I never lied.

I never disrespected my parents.

I never did drugs.

I never smoked pot.

I never purposely did anything that I thought would go against God’s rules.

I sent my kids to Christian School, Stevie for 11 years, Sammy & Adrian thru 1^st grade, Sergio pre k 3 & 4 & Catholic summer camp with Sal who was 4 and then had just started pre-k 4 when he was diagnosed.

I know the bible inside and out. I was as close to a perfect Christian as any human could possibly be.

I have probably prayed more in my lifetime than any of you reading this right now.

Do I think God abandoned me? Do I think he purposely chose my baby to torture? Do I think he decided not to save my baby purposely? Do I think he ignored my pleas for help?  Do I think he could have saved my baby if he wanted to, but just chose not to? Do I think he wants me to live in pain the rest of my life? Do I think it was his grand plan in life for my baby to get cancer and die to prove something??? Do I think he would choose to save another child over mine???????

My answer is NO…………………. to all of the above.

I still believe in God, but differently.

Do I think if you pray hard enough he will listen? (obviously not).  Do I believe if I begged him enough he would listen?…..….

No, for I could not have begged & pleaded more than I did. 

I believe what happens in our lives is beyond his control. But, I don’t know why. I do know he would never purposely hurt any of us. He would never purposely hurt a child. He would never purposely make anyone, especially a child, suffer.  He would never grant one person a miracle and not another.  We are all equal to him, he loves us all the same.

In other words,………….. whatever is going to happen in our lives, is going to happen. That is what I believe.

We have to learn to save ourselves. Yes, we must be good, follow God’s laws, etc to get to Heaven. But miracles?  Definitely No,………………if anyone in this world deserved a miracle, it was my baby, it was Liam & Julian & Sam& Derek, Gus, Sydney, Melina, Ryan, Eric, Nick, Isabella, Ronan, Teddy and all the others who suffered the unimaginable. 

I know God loves me and I know I will go to Heaven…..whatever/wherever that may be. I know my baby is there, I know he is free of pain & I know he visits me frequently and is constantly somehow with me.  But, the God saving only those who believe, is 100% absolutely not true…………because NOBODY ever believed more than me.

God didn’t find a cure for over 80% of all breast cancers…………..…RESEARCHERS DID.

You know what that means………………

Happy Easter my friends………..  

I hope to dream of my baby coming to me for his Easter eggs and my very much needed hugs……