Waking Up With A Broken Heart

Everything Reminds Me Of Something…. May 5, 2013

Everything reminds me of something…………………………..

It doesn’t matter what we are taking about, it doesn’t matter what it has to do with…..

EVERYTHING reminds me of something that has to do with Sal…..EVERYTHING.

Say a word, any word…………………… A memory instantly pops into my head….

RED,   One day he wore a red sport suit to the hospital (he never ever wore anything but blue)  the nurses went crazy and told him how awesome he looked, how sexy, how handsome….. I am telling you, everyone had something to say. He just thought he was the coolest thing on earth (and he was!)

Snake,  One day leaving Miami Children’s Hospital there was a snake in the middle of the street. He made me stop & get out of the car to shew it into the bushes so it wouldn’t get run over by another car.

Party, Every day was a party for Sal. It didn’t matter what we were celebrating, we would have a cake and celebrate.

Police, Sal loved his policeman friends, He loved wearing a police badge and hat and one day he thought it was so cool, he rode in Pete’s police car looking for a “bad kid”.

Asparagus, That was one of Sal’s all time favorite vegetables.  He loved every vegetable, he ate peppers and onions like most people eat apples, but asparagus was his favorite..

Boat,  Sal loved the boat.  There were 2 things he wanted to do when we were allowed to come back for the first time after 3 months of treatment in New York on Dec 31, 2007, one was go to Costco, the other was go out on the boat.

Snow,  Sal just finished a very tough round of ultra high dose chemo in NYC. We walked out of the hospital and it was snowing. We walked across the street to the park and he had a blast playing in the snow, going down the slide at 100mph. He was soaking wet. I was terrified he would get sick. We literally finished chemo an hour ago and he was soaking wet in 20 degree weather. I had to put him in the cab screaming and kicking cause he wanted to continue playing………….

Just say a word, any word and I will give you a memory………………………………..

My entire life now revolves around memories. Sal & I will never make new memories.  I realize now, that I will forever live in the past. I will forever live in my memories of my precious baby.  There’s no way to go on, there’s no way to change the present. I will forever live in the world of 2010/2011.  My last of everything…….

I follow so many cancer kids stories. My life revolves around them now. I want to help them, I want to save them. I want to keep their parents from feeling like I do right now.

But, honestly, I would give anything to still be fighting right now. To still be looking for the next new treatment, to still be getting a blood transfusion, to still be scheduling scans, to still be waiting for results, to still be inpatient, to be booking our flight to the next new state, …..……… to still be any part of it…………….

Is that selfish of me?????   I never wanted him to suffer, but I still want to be able to hug him, to kiss him, to still have hope for tomorrow……………………………….….  Reallly……………….how is it possible that he’s not here?  How is it possible that I am downstairs in my office just typing aimlessly and he’s not here????????

How do I start to really understand?????   When will I start to understand???????

Life goes on around me…… Everyone continues as they were……………

No one seems to notice the emptiness………..……no one seems to understand the depth of the pain in my heart………well,………. not no one………..some do…………  the ones that laugh and cry at the same time with me. The ones that say his name when they know I need to hear it. The ones that hold my hand when they see me struggling.  The ones that tell me a memory when I need to know someone remembers………  But how long will that last…………… How long will they really remember??????

I haven’t gotten past the first few seconds of his death. I haven’t accepted it. I haven’t learned to live with it. I haven’t acknowledged the whole enormity of it………..

I had a terrible experience at my pediatrician’s office the other day, such that I do not want to relive by telling you.  But, I was then reminded of how people forget…….…

To everyone else it was 2 years ago………………………………..

To me, it will forever be 2 seconds ago………………………………………………………….