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Someone Asked Me How I Was Today…………….. June 2, 2013

Posted by Waking Up With A Broken Heart in Love & Grief.
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Someone asked me how I was today…….

 Really????

You want to know how am I???

Do you really want to know how I am or do you want me to just say

“I’m great,

“I’m okay”,

“Not bad”

“Things are good”

 Or do you want to hear the truth???

 “Life is sheer torture”

“It’s hard to breath”

“Everyday things are nearly impossible”

“I am in constant physical pain”

“I wish life would go by faster”

“It’s excruciatingly painful to wake up”

“It’s excruciatingly painful to go to bed”

“I feel guilty with every smile and every laugh”

“I can’t stop crying”

“I wish I had died with my baby”

 But I do love you for asking……………………

 The truth is,  life is difficult,   life is complex,  but,  somehow,  life goes on………………….

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Comments»

1. sam - June 2, 2013

no words just know your honesty makes me hug my boy a little longer and really appreciate every minute.

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2. Diane Pippen - June 2, 2013

Dear Silvia,
I wanted to write and say how much I love you for sharing your true feelings here on your blog. I also lost my son to leukemia in August of 2009. He was an “adult” son, but it doesn’t make any difference how you lost a child, it is a loss that is most egregious. I will be grieving the loss of my son for the rest of my life. My world as I knew it was shattered that day in the hospital as we withdrew life support from my 26 year old first born (and only) son. I have a daughter, but that does not change the grief I feel every day. So very few people, if any, understand this loss… we wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The physical and emotional pain is searing and such a heavy burden to carry. I feel your words today, as I lived them yesterday. Your words ring clear and true to me…I can feel them in my soul and in my battered, bruised, and broken heart. I will say Silvia that you are still so very early in your loss of your beautiful son, Sal. He is such a sweet and precious little man. I know how your heart is aching right now. It will be four years for me this August, and I can say, finally now, that things have changed or shifted ever so slightly for me. So hold on to hope that your burden of grief will lighten over time….ever so slowly. I am still struggling, searching for answers, still feeling pain, still crying, still trying to find meaning and I know I will feel this sadness for the rest of my life. I wish I had more answers, but I don’t. I also have a blog…I don’t write as often as I used to…I found it so difficult to find no responses to what i wrote. It was disheartening…I felt I was crying out my pain and suffering to the world and no one was listening. The question of “how are you?” is a constant dilemma for me….it ticks me off that I have to answer with my basic “ok” and rarely if ever does anyone ask, “how are you really? It seems they don’t “really” want to know and that also makes me so sad. Yes, “life goes on” but I still haven’t quite figured out how it could still be going on without my beautiful son, Nickolas, without your beautiful son, Sal.
If you ever want to talk or write or need a cyber hug, please know I am here…please email me if you would like to read my blog or if you just want to vent…anything. I found some solace in the group The Compassionate Friends…I am happy to answer any questions about the group if you are interested. They actually have an online support group where you can go and “chat” with others who understand because they have been through it, they have lost children too. I hope you keep writing…it helped me a lot and still does. Bless you Silvia….I hold you in my heart and pray for you to find the support you need as you walk this journey each hour of each day. with fond regard, your friend in loss, Diane Mom to Sara and ^^Nickolas^^

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Rachel - June 3, 2013

Diane thank you for sharing your story here in memory of Nickolas.

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grahamforeverinmyheart - June 3, 2013

Diane, I would like to read your blog. I’ve been reading and collecting blogs and curating a website since the loss of my 23 year old son 54 weeks ago. http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss
My son was just 3 years younger than yours, I also have a daughter, and I am struggling EVERY DAY. I would be interested to read your thoughts and experiences.
–Jennifer

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3. dottiev - June 3, 2013

I didn’t loose a child of mine but a niece in Oct. 2011. She had cerebral palsy and passed at the age of 38. She and her twin sister grew up with my children from the time she was 2 1/2. I loved her and her sister as if they were my own children. Like the poem says. “God broke my heart to prove to me He only takes the best.”

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4. Nancy - June 3, 2013

In the first year after Alexander died I would often say “today is a good day” “today is not so good of a day”. 2 years out I still have good and not so good days.

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5. Rachel - June 3, 2013

thank you for your honesty silvia – holding your sal in our family’s heart in the pursuit of finding a cure for this monstrous disease.

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6. dtine33 - June 3, 2013

I am so sorry for your loss – I’ve come to know too many momma’s in your situation and my heart hurts for you. I have no words that can make you feel better – I can only tell you I am sorry, I wish you peace until the day you’re reunited with your precious baby. My thoughts are with you.

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7. Jan Menary - June 3, 2013

I too continue to hold you in my heart. For you also Mom Diane and to all those who have lost a child.

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8. Stephenie Monear-Schindler - June 3, 2013

I’ve never lost a child but I’ve had situations arise where it was certainly a possibility that I could lose them. All I can imagine is how it would take the joy out of everything. Yes, things would go on & of themselves still be the same…the taste of a good meal, Christmas, birthdays, special family events, the beauty of nature & on & on, but somehow the joy of them would be canceled because that one so closely connected to me was not there to enjoy it with. It would not be a loss of some external thing like a leg, a car or home or something outside of myself, but it would be the loss of part of my soul, my heart, & what makes me tick or what animates my life. I would never be “Fine” again. It seems to me the only thing you can really do for a mother who has lost her child is to pray for them to be comforted as best they can be and not to ask stupid questions like “How are you.”…to hug them often & hold their hands, & let them cry when they need to which will be often, to never leave them to carry the loss alone, & to remind them as often as possible that time flies & that there will be a day when they will be reunited with the part of their heart they lost on earth never to be separated again. God hold & especially bless all who have lost children. If I had a single wish, it would be to give back all the children that sickness, accidents, & other misfortunes have taken away & return them to the arms of those who love them most!!! Oh, how I wish I could do that one thing!! But I can’t, so, I’ll just pray on. Stephenie

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Diane P - June 5, 2013

So beautifully said Stephenie…you are a compassionate and caring person…it is a gift. When you share that gift you will help others mend the cracks in their broken hearts. Thank you.

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9. Denise - June 16, 2013

I am so sorry; I barely had contact with anyone after my son died so I didn’t get many “How are you’s?” And if I did, I’d cry because that what I knew to do. So many hugs to you; they won’t stop the pain but it’s a way of saying I care.

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10. Annalise - January 10, 2014

My only child is 13 and has a very rare eccine cancer (diagnosed in early November 2013), she is a darling sweet girl and my whole world is just so dark and filled with sorrow. I cannot stop the tears falling, this pain is worse than anything I thought was possible. I do not know how to go on day by day and hour by hour. Why would God allow this to happen? She is an innocent child and is always so good and helpful and kind. Why did God let her be born if she was going to suffer this? I am so hurt and devastated that I cannot even pray and sometimes my heart aches so much that I cant breathe.

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Waking Up With A Broken Heart - January 29, 2014

I am so so sorry about your daughter. I was and am still haunted by the same questions. I wish I had a perfect answer for you. Please know that I am always here if you need me, if there is anything at all I can do for you.

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