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A Hurricane, PTSD, & SAL September 23, 2017

Posted by Waking Up With A Broken Heart in Infinite Pain, Love & Grief, Love & Pain, PTSD after Childhood Cancer.
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Hurricane Irma was devastating on so many levels.

Most of the state was evacuated. Some people evacuated 2 to 3 times running from the storm. Here in Miami,  I happen to live in an evacuation zone right on the water. We were told the storm surge could reach 10 to 20 feet. The decision to leave was a very difficult one for me. The thought of losing my baby’s things was something that I just couldn’t grasp.  You see, his belongings, his toys, his blankies, his clothes, everything he owned is in that house. It’s all I have left of him. I will never EVER have anything new that he loved, that he had touched.  The turmoil that I experienced was just incomprehensible.  I live in pain every day of my life, but what happened in the days leading up to Hurricane Irma, well, it’s so hard to describe. The gut wrenching feeling, the exasperation and anguish, the physical pain caused by mental exhaustion is difficult to describe.

We secured our house as much as possible.  I wrapped as much as I could in plastic and stacked what I was able to up high in case the house got flooded due to the storm surge. There was no way I could wrap everything, It would be impossible to raise everything up. This new house we moved to is only one story and we weren’t sure how it would hold up in a Category 5 hurricane.  The thought of the roof being ripped off of our house and my baby’s things being blown away, well it’s a feeling that only another mother who has lost a child could possibly understand.

Yes, material things are replaceable as they say, for most, but that is not true for me. Sal’s things are NOT replaceable. His favorite street sharks, his toys, his clothes such as his favorite jeans and blue shark shirts, all his dozens and dozens of blankies that he cherished. His Power Rangers, his Captain America toys, his favorite videos, all his different collectibles as well as all his handheld games. Those are not replaceable. The unseen fingerprints on everything he touched, the clothes he wore, his blankets that he always carried that made him feel cozy and warm. Those things could NEVER be replaced. They are the only things I will ever have.  I couldn’t  bring it all with me. I did the best I could.

As I apprehensively walked out the door with my loving family, tightly clutching my precious baby’s ashes (which is not normal and also another beyond devastatingly difficult thing to do) and leaving his cherished belongings behind, I asked him to please take care of his things because I couldn’t bear to lose any more of him. I realize no one truly understands. Even those especially close to me couldn’t and will probably never totally grasp the extent of my excruciating pain and anguish. The 48 hours I was away from home with the wind blowing and howling as if it were to rip apart the massive and strong building where we were staying, felt like weeks. All I wanted was to take my baby’s ashes securely home and check on his things. I knew my kids were safe with me and anything that happened to the house could be fixed. I knew the power  would be out but would eventually be restored. I knew trees could be replanted, fences could be repaired.  But my treasures could NEVER be replaced.

Finally, we were able to get home. I was born in Miami Beach and have lived thru many hurricanes, but driving thru the devastation and flooding in the neighborhoods this time truly was eerie.  No power anywhere, giant trees uprooted blocking city streets, power lines down, sunken boats, and debris everywhere. Finally, in what seemed like hours although it was only minutes, we arrived home.

It was as if there had been a dome covering my home. No damage, no flooding……..the angel wing pool float along with the others were still in the pool. With hurricane force winds lashing all around our Miami home for 48 hours there could only be one explanation. Sal stayed home to guard his things for me. It’s the only possible explanation. #ThankYouSal

I Thought…… July 27, 2014

Posted by Waking Up With A Broken Heart in Family Fun Nights, Infinite Pain, Love & Grief, Uncategorized.
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I thought I would never walk into a hospital again……….let alone an oncology floor.

I thought I would never be able to bear seeing another child suffering cancer like my precious baby did.

I really never thought I could ever again touch or kiss the soft bald head of a child with cancer.

I absolutely never thought I could have a party with a room full of kids battling childhood cancer.

I WAS WRONG…….

Since Sal died I have dedicated my life to raising awareness & fundraising for Childhood Cancer Research. It is what I do every waking hour.

But, one year ago, while talking to Sal’s Dr @ Miami Childrens, we came up with the idea of having a weekly Family Fun Night for the inpatient kids. (Some of these kids are inpatient for weeks or months at a time) Sal had spent a lot of time at so many different hospitals and I knew in my heart he would really want me to do this, even though it was going to be immensely difficult for me.  Sal loved parties, he hated being bored, loved toys and he loved to sing & dance. So I decided to incorporate all these things into one night…….which is now our Mystic Force Family Fun Night on 3North at Miami Childrens Hospital.

For a few hours one night a month we help these kids forget where they are and just be kids having fun. We fill the playroom with tons of toys, circling colored lights and play party music. We do fun crafts, we paint, we color, make bracelets and we eat delicious food. Sometimes we have Superheroes join us, sometimes we have local celebrities.

All of this is possible because of the generosity of so many individuals & companies who donate their time, who donate awesome toys and who donate the dinner each month.

HOW DO I KNOW I WAS WRONG??

This past week a very special little boy from Miami Childrens passed away. Alejandro was a beautiful, spunky, witty, Lego loving little boy. He was at most of our Family Fun Nights through out the year, which sadly, meant he was inpatient…..a lot. I know I was wrong, because, I know that I, along with my entire team of amazing volunteers brought this boy happiness when we were there. (as you can see from the video below) He sang & danced & picked out as many toys as he wanted, did crafts, played, ate delicious (non-hospital) food and of course we always brought him Legos. My dear friend Mara brought him super special Legos which, sadly, he never got to enjoy as he was already in I.C.U.  He will be missed by each and every one of us.

THAT’S HOW I KNOW I WAS WRONG…….

Now, as I pack up for tomorrow’s Nike Family Fun Night (because Nike donated the most awesome balls, bags & backpacks) I know I can do this, I know it’s what I have to do, what I must do, WHAT I WANT & NEED TO DO…………….. I must bring smiles & happiness, even if it’s just for a little while to these kids who suffer the unimaginable like my baby did.

(If you would like to help in any way, please fill out the contact form below)

 

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FFN June 2

 

Is it Really Mother’s Day…….. May 11, 2014

Posted by Waking Up With A Broken Heart in Infinite Pain, Love & Grief, Uncategorized.
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This morning many will all wake up and think of and be thankful for the moms that gave us life.

We will thank God for all the blessings in our life,

For the beautiful children we have raised.

BUT………

Some of us will hesitantly wake up

We will somehow get out of bed and wash the tears from our face……

We will go thru the motions of the day……

Waiting impatiently for the day to end.

We will smile and pretend that we are okay.

We will laugh when we have to,

Cry when we need to.

 

We will remember every single second of every single Mother’s Day we have spent with our precious children.

Then will remember how many years, months, days, minutes……seconds…..it has been since we felt our baby’s touch. How much we yearn to hear our baby’s voice. How much it hurts to know they will not be here today.

Today is Mother’s Day……

 Hug your mom

Send prayers to your Mom if she is no longer here and be thankful for the time you had together…..

 

Hug your children, Kiss them, enjoy them, savor every second with them, remember every laugh, every smile, every funny comment……

Bask in the infinite love your children bring you. Feel glory in every trying time as you try to figure out what comes next, what is right and what is wrong.

Rejoice in knowing that your child is happy & healthy………..

Proclaim your love for them. Relax as you watch them play, etching every scene into your memory………..

Hug your children

Kiss your babies

Savor every second with them

Thank your God for your good blessings…..

Then remember those, like me, who long for what you have……………………..

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