Someday……………….. November 5, 2013

How can I possibly go on living without you…………………..

You were my bestfriend,  my baby, my true love, my everything.  There wasn’t a moment in our lives that we weren’t together, then in a split second you were taken from me. I don’t know life without you.  Everyone around us always had a “life”, everyone………. every single person I know had a “life” beyond what we were going through………………………………… they have no clue what our life was about…………………..

But My life was yours and yours was mine…………… Now it’s just me……………………………………………..

AND IT’S SO UNFAIR, IT’S SO TERRIBLY PAINFUL. MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY

It’s like having your baby ripped out of your hands and taken…….FOREVER…… how does that happen

Does anyone even understand the depth of the word FOREVER????????

I would give ANYTHING to still be in the “fight”, as horrific as it was. To be getting a transfusion, to be laying next to you while the poisonous chemo is running thru your veins, to be nervously waiting for scan results. to be planning the next state we would be flying to for treatment, to be nervous about meeting your “new ” oncologist, to be fighting back the tears as I hold you down for some ridiculously humiliating procedure……anything to have you in my arms and still have HOPE for tomorrow…………

Is that selfish of me??? I’ve never, ever been selfish…..my life has always been about everyone else.

But right now my pain is so great that I would JOYOUSLY be selfish.

I don’t struggle to hold back the tears, as they constantly flow freely from my eternally swollen red eyes. I smile,  I laugh, but inside my eternal struggle is so great that I feel the blood drizzling out of my lifeless heart……how have I not died from a broken heart yet?  How have I survived this all consuming torture?????

How appropriate is it that our song just came on………………… You just wanted to see me smile, I know……………………….

I know someday we will be together again……….someday………………………

Everything Reminds Me Of Something…. May 5, 2013

Everything reminds me of something…………………………..

It doesn’t matter what we are taking about, it doesn’t matter what it has to do with…..

EVERYTHING reminds me of something that has to do with Sal…..EVERYTHING.

Say a word, any word…………………… A memory instantly pops into my head….

RED,   One day he wore a red sport suit to the hospital (he never ever wore anything but blue)  the nurses went crazy and told him how awesome he looked, how sexy, how handsome….. I am telling you, everyone had something to say. He just thought he was the coolest thing on earth (and he was!)

Snake,  One day leaving Miami Children’s Hospital there was a snake in the middle of the street. He made me stop & get out of the car to shew it into the bushes so it wouldn’t get run over by another car.

Party, Every day was a party for Sal. It didn’t matter what we were celebrating, we would have a cake and celebrate.

Police, Sal loved his policeman friends, He loved wearing a police badge and hat and one day he thought it was so cool, he rode in Pete’s police car looking for a “bad kid”.

Asparagus, That was one of Sal’s all time favorite vegetables.  He loved every vegetable, he ate peppers and onions like most people eat apples, but asparagus was his favorite..

Boat,  Sal loved the boat.  There were 2 things he wanted to do when we were allowed to come back for the first time after 3 months of treatment in New York on Dec 31, 2007, one was go to Costco, the other was go out on the boat.

Snow,  Sal just finished a very tough round of ultra high dose chemo in NYC. We walked out of the hospital and it was snowing. We walked across the street to the park and he had a blast playing in the snow, going down the slide at 100mph. He was soaking wet. I was terrified he would get sick. We literally finished chemo an hour ago and he was soaking wet in 20 degree weather. I had to put him in the cab screaming and kicking cause he wanted to continue playing………….

Just say a word, any word and I will give you a memory………………………………..

My entire life now revolves around memories. Sal & I will never make new memories.  I realize now, that I will forever live in the past. I will forever live in my memories of my precious baby.  There’s no way to go on, there’s no way to change the present. I will forever live in the world of 2010/2011.  My last of everything…….

I follow so many cancer kids stories. My life revolves around them now. I want to help them, I want to save them. I want to keep their parents from feeling like I do right now.

But, honestly, I would give anything to still be fighting right now. To still be looking for the next new treatment, to still be getting a blood transfusion, to still be scheduling scans, to still be waiting for results, to still be inpatient, to be booking our flight to the next new state, …..……… to still be any part of it…………….

Is that selfish of me?????   I never wanted him to suffer, but I still want to be able to hug him, to kiss him, to still have hope for tomorrow……………………………….….  Reallly……………….how is it possible that he’s not here?  How is it possible that I am downstairs in my office just typing aimlessly and he’s not here????????

How do I start to really understand?????   When will I start to understand???????

Life goes on around me…… Everyone continues as they were……………

No one seems to notice the emptiness………..……no one seems to understand the depth of the pain in my heart………well,………. not no one………..some do…………  the ones that laugh and cry at the same time with me. The ones that say his name when they know I need to hear it. The ones that hold my hand when they see me struggling.  The ones that tell me a memory when I need to know someone remembers………  But how long will that last…………… How long will they really remember??????

I haven’t gotten past the first few seconds of his death. I haven’t accepted it. I haven’t learned to live with it. I haven’t acknowledged the whole enormity of it………..

I had a terrible experience at my pediatrician’s office the other day, such that I do not want to relive by telling you.  But, I was then reminded of how people forget…….…

To everyone else it was 2 years ago………………………………..

To me, it will forever be 2 seconds ago………………………………………………………….

Easter & God & Miracles March 30, 2013

Easter is a time to reflect & be thankful, right???

I believe in God…..

I believe Jesus is the son of God……..

I was baptized as a Catholic…….raised as a Christian.

I taught Sunday School…..

I went to church regularly…….

I grew up with the fear of God….

 I knew that if I did anything wrong, God would not like it…

So…..

I never lied.

I never disrespected my parents.

I never did drugs.

I never smoked pot.

I never purposely did anything that I thought would go against God’s rules.

I sent my kids to Christian School, Stevie for 11 years, Sammy & Adrian thru 1^st grade, Sergio pre k 3 & 4 & Catholic summer camp with Sal who was 4 and then had just started pre-k 4 when he was diagnosed.

I know the bible inside and out. I was as close to a perfect Christian as any human could possibly be.

I have probably prayed more in my lifetime than any of you reading this right now.

Do I think God abandoned me? Do I think he purposely chose my baby to torture? Do I think he decided not to save my baby purposely? Do I think he ignored my pleas for help?  Do I think he could have saved my baby if he wanted to, but just chose not to? Do I think he wants me to live in pain the rest of my life? Do I think it was his grand plan in life for my baby to get cancer and die to prove something??? Do I think he would choose to save another child over mine???????

My answer is NO…………………. to all of the above.

I still believe in God, but differently.

Do I think if you pray hard enough he will listen? (obviously not).  Do I believe if I begged him enough he would listen?…..….

No, for I could not have begged & pleaded more than I did. 

I believe what happens in our lives is beyond his control. But, I don’t know why. I do know he would never purposely hurt any of us. He would never purposely hurt a child. He would never purposely make anyone, especially a child, suffer.  He would never grant one person a miracle and not another.  We are all equal to him, he loves us all the same.

In other words,………….. whatever is going to happen in our lives, is going to happen. That is what I believe.

We have to learn to save ourselves. Yes, we must be good, follow God’s laws, etc to get to Heaven. But miracles?  Definitely No,………………if anyone in this world deserved a miracle, it was my baby, it was Liam & Julian & Sam& Derek, Gus, Sydney, Melina, Ryan, Eric, Nick, Isabella, Ronan, Teddy and all the others who suffered the unimaginable. 

I know God loves me and I know I will go to Heaven…..whatever/wherever that may be. I know my baby is there, I know he is free of pain & I know he visits me frequently and is constantly somehow with me.  But, the God saving only those who believe, is 100% absolutely not true…………because NOBODY ever believed more than me.

God didn’t find a cure for over 80% of all breast cancers…………..…RESEARCHERS DID.

You know what that means………………

Happy Easter my friends………..  

I hope to dream of my baby coming to me for his Easter eggs and my very much needed hugs……

LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME…….. February 21, 2013

NO………………

LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME…………………..

EVER……..

Un-Valentines Day February 13, 2013

How could tomorrow be Valentine’s Day and you are not here????    It’s just not possible.    I spent the entire day crying and trying to logically understand it. Yesterday I went with Shari to buy decorations for Chase’s desk at school. I should have known better. It’s just not fair………………

You should be in Chase’s class. I should be decorating your desk and you should be in the basketball game tomorrow night with him. We should all be together.   I should be waking up to hugs and kisses and pretending that I didn’t know you bought me a card and chocolates………… You & Chase should be “secretly”  trying to steal our champagne tomorrow night………….

What will I do tomorrow morning……….. How will I possibly get up and survive the day without you?????

How will I continue to breathe tomorrow??

How??????????????????????????????????

How can this be. I still don’t not only, understand this, but I have yet to accept it. How could I??????

We always celebrate Valentine’s Day together. You are always my Valentine and I am one of yours……. along with Stephanie and all the nurses at the hospital. How can it be that we are not delivering chocolate hearts this year? How is it that you are not being too shy to hand over the carefully selected boxes of chocolates for all you “girlfriends” and making me do it????????

How is it that we are not snuggling in bed at this very moment awaiting the arrival of Valentine’s Day…….. One of our favorite holidays…… how???????……………..

It’s just so unfathomably unfair and so debilitatingly painful…………

How I wish I could hold you and kiss you one more time…………..but that wouldn’t be enough,   would it my beautiful baby????…………………